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You're Probably a Redneck if... Date: Sent Monday, June 28, 2004 Category: None

Rating: 3.77/5 (128 votes) Click a button to cast your vote

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by Jeff Foxworthy (http://JeffFoxworthy.com - GCFL is not responsible for the content of other web sites.)

• More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
  
• Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
  
• Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  
• You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeurve.
  
• There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  
• Fewer than half of your cars run.
  
• The primary color of your car is "bondo."
  
• You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  
• Your family tree doesn't fork.
  
• Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  
• Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
  
• You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  
• The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
  
• The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  
• Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  
• You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
  
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  
• The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
  
• You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  
• You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
  
• The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
  
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  
• You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  
• Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  
• You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  
• You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  
• You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
  
• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  
• Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  
• You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  
• You've been too drunk to fish.
  
• You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  
• You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
  
• You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run.)
  
• You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right."
  
• You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
  
• Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
  
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
  
• You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  
• You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
  
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  
• Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
  
• Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  
• Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  
• You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  
• Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  
• You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  
• You have a very special baseball cap just for formal occassions.
  
• Redman sends you a Christmas card.
  
• You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  
• Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
  
• You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."
  
• You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
  
• You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  
• You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  
• You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  
• The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  
• You mow your lawn and find a car.
  
• If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes, (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  
• You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
  
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
  
• You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
  
• You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest" contest.
  
• You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
  
• You consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid, flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
  
• You've ever made change in the offering plate.
  
• If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
  
• You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
  
• You own at least 20 baseball hats.
  
• You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
  
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
  
• When you run out of gas you put gin in the gas tank.
  
• Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon
• The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
  
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
  
• You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
  
• Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
  
• You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
  
• Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
  
• You have an Elvis Jello mold.
  
• You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
  
• You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
  
• You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
  
• You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
  
• There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
  
• The theme song at your high school prom was 'Friends in Low Places.'
  
• It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
  
• You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
  
• Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
  
• The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
  
• Yer mom calls ya over t'help 'cause she has a flat tire...on her house!
  
• Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
  
• You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
  
• You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
  
• When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
  
• Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
  
• Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
  
• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
  
• You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
  
• You grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a gourmet item.
  
• Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
  
• The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)
  
• You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
  
• You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
  
• You've ever hit a deer with your car...on purpose!
  
• You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
  
• You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
  
• Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
  
• The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
  
• Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
  
• On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
  
• Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
  
• You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
  
• In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
  
• Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
  
• You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
  
• Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
  
• Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
  
• You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
  
• You bring your dog to work with you.