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Even More Funny Quotes 2 of 2 Date: Sent Tuesday, December 5, 2023 Category: None

Rating: 4.27/5 (48 votes) Click a button to cast your vote

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I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"
Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the "Wizard of Oz" and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

Never trust an electrician with no eye brows.

So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily I was already up playing the bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."

Received from Becky Day.