The Good, Clean Funnies List

In the Dorm

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights: dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, the resident assistant noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought: Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! But then he noticed that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath his sink.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Groaner: Alexander the Great

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 P.M. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 P.M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 P.M. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock. "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 P.M.," he said. "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P.M. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 P.M. by the color change and could consistently get to the 6:00 P.M. meetings on time. Needless to say, this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Navel Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would ensure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 P.M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as 'Alexander's Rag Timeband'!"

Received from Stan Kegel.

Basketball Game

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

Dress Shop Burglary

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

"What did you steal?" the judge asked.

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

Second Grade Math

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Roses

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card.

"You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John.

"Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."

Received from Laugh & Lift.

Golden Anniversary

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

/* Thank you so much for the donations sent so far! We really appreciate it!

If you haven't sent in a donation and you enjoy GCFL, please consider a donation. We anticipate extra expenses later this year and really need your help.

Thank you for your kindness and generosity! */

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

Radio

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, Calif., we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a large radio in the back.

"Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked.

Several hands went up, and anticipating a ride in the jeep, recruits began listing their credentials. Everything from a degree in communications to a part-time job in a repair shop was declared.

The DI listened to all the contenders, then pointed to the most qualified. "You," he barked. "Carry the radio."

- from Jim Sapaugh (via Reader's Digest)

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

Campaign Funding

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds?

Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Baby Boomers, the '60s vs. the '90s

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 02:00:00 -0500

Then: Long Hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever."
Now: "Depends."

Received from Jan Hughey.